Sookie Rolls a Hordie
by Gallathea
Summary: In this AU fic, Sookie and Bill have not broken up. However, Bill’s preoccupation with his vampire database project has led him down the path of Internet addiction—and an unfortunate obsession with World of Warcraft.
1. Chapter 1

Setting the Scene: In this AU fic, Sookie and Bill have not broken up. However, Bill's preoccupation with his vampire database project has led him down the path of Internet addiction—and an unfortunate obsession with World of Warcraft. When a sorely neglected Sookie finally calls on Eric for help with Bill's gaming habits, will the Viking be able to teach her how to PvP her way back into Bill's heart (and bed), or will Sookie and Eric end up 'bonding' over Ventrilo?

Disclaimer: I do not own the SVM characters, Duke Nukem, Blizzard Entertainment, or fake biscuits. The Duke Nukem Ventrilo harassment episode is based on a video available at YouTube (watch?v=IE3KdcTgrno).

Thanks to Malanna for the beta and for convincing me to post it here instead of just sending it to a couple of night elf friends.

---------------------------------------------

"Bill, honey, come to bed," I murmured seductively, sliding my hands over his shoulders and breathing softly in his ear. Bill let out a deep moan, and my heart leapt at his response: was I finally getting through to him?

"Now I'm going to have to redo my talent build, Sookie," he said, shaking his head.

I sighed and walked out of his house without saying good night. Bill had been like this for months. It had all started with some secret computer project of his, the one that had him looking up pictures of vampires when he thought I couldn't see what he was doing. I was happy for him at first when I noticed that he actually seemed to be making friends online; he chatted and laughed and seemed to be mainstreaming it up in style. Then he bought World of Warcraft, and it was a downhill spiral from there: he was a man possessed. I'd ask to go out, and he'd reply that he had a guild meeting. I'd suggest that he come by Merlotte's for a blood and a visit while I was working, and he'd tell me that he had a raid. I'd attempt to coax him into some nookie soon after he rose, but he'd inform me that he had to conjure food and water before it was time to go to Naxx.

I reflected bitterly that I was quite possibly the only woman with a vampire boyfriend in North America who _wasn't_ getting laid.

A near-disaster one weekend convinced me that something had to be done about Bill's WoW problem. I had fallen asleep at his house while reading a book, and I woke up just before dawn to find Bill—still at his computer. "Bill, what are you doing? It's almost dawn; you need to be in your hidey hole!"

"We've almost got him… almost there," he intoned, shooting fireballs out of his hands at a very ugly, very pissed-off-looking orc.

"You've almost got who?"

"Drek'Thar. The horde turned this into a ridiculous turtle-fest, and it's bonus honor weekend. He's almost down…"

Bill had to use his vampire speed to sprint to his daytime resting place before getting himself fried as the sun came up. He didn't even have time to log out. I called Eric the next night.

"Let me see if I understand you correctly," Eric interjected as I went on about Bill and fireballs and bonus honor and orcs in Alterac Valley. "Bill is playing… alliance?"

"Yes, I think so."

"And he was shooting fireballs and conjuring mana biscuits so he's playing… a mage?"

"Yes."

"What race is he in game?"

"I don't know what it's called… he's a little guy with a beard and a blue dress, but he doesn't like it when I call it a dress. And he does this dance sometimes that makes it look like he's shaking his hips and spanking somebody."

Eric was silent on the other end of the line for a while. "Compton not only rolled alliance, but he's a gnome mage? Sookie—this is bad."

"I know, I know! He's out of control, Eric. What can I do?"

The sheriff said he had an idea, and asked me to meet with him and Pam at Fangtasia the next night at 8:00 if I was free. Of course I was free. Bill had a date with Malygos, who he was convinced was finally going to drop the Wyrmrest Necklace of Power. He had already lined up a gem for the blue socket.

"I don't even know who you are anymore," I muttered as he made his way to something called a "meeting stone" and started opening trade windows to hand people fake biscuits. He didn't even ask where I was going as I headed out to my car and started driving towards Shreveport.

Pam was checking IDs at the door to Fangtasia when I arrived, and she informed me that I looked "simply scrumptious."

"I'm glad somebody thinks so," I returned sarcastically.

"Yes, Eric filled me in on your… recent troubles. I'll meet you both in the office shortly." And with that, she actually rubbed her hands together in anticipation. Uh-oh. This couldn't be good.

Eric seemed to have set up his office as a miniature control center of some sort, and he snuck a couple of surreptitious sniffs at me as he guided me to a chair in front of his laptop. He explained that in order to formulate a course of action, he and Pam would first need to "assess Bill's online interaction" in order to gain insight into my boyfriend's "gaming persona."

"Huh," I responded intelligently. "How exactly do you plan to do that?"

"We're going to hack into his Vent server!" Pam exclaimed as she walked through the door.

"But won't he know it's you guys? He knows your voices."

"We've enlisted a little assistance, Sookie," Eric explained, pointing to a photo he had up on his computer. The image was of a character from another video game, it seemed: the guy had angular features, a sharp crew cut, dark sunglasses, bulging biceps, and an enormous gun brandished in each hand.

"Sookie: meet Duke Nukem. He's going to be having a conversation with Bill's guild tonight."

Pam and Eric fiddled with some keys a bit, and then I heard several voices. One sounded like he was running the show. "Grab the Power Sparks, Leg. We need the DPS bonus. What's taking so long? Jesus, don't you have that shit macroed yet? This is what I get for accepting a guild app from somebody named 'xxLegolasxx.' Get on the discs, people. Archie, how do you manage to screw this up every god damned time?"

Pam hit a button. "_I've got balls of steel_," said the pillar of menace that was Duke Nukem.

"Who the hell is that in our channel? OK, it's burn time, people. Trinket, hit your cooldowns… go go, stab stab."

Eric hit another button. "_It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I'm all out of gum_." Pam giggled, which I found sort of terrifying, but even I had to laugh.

"Fuck! Yosh, can you get that asshole off our server? Crap, get out of the Arcane Pulse!" I heard a series of groans from players who clearly had not managed to get out of the Arcane Pulse. "I need a combat rez, now!" one of them said.

Pam gestured to a button, silently asking me to hit it.

"_I've got balls of steel_," Duke Nukem once again proclaimed.

Bill's cool voice came through clearly over the speaker. "We're in the middle of a fight, intruder. You will remove yourself from our server immediately." If Bill could glamour people through his microphone, he would have tried.

It was Eric's turn now. "_Eat shit and die_," Duke breathed out.

"Fuck! Fuck! That's a wipe, people. Can somebody _please_ ban this asshole? Bill? You know what you're doing on Vent."

"Why are they calling Bill by his real name, Sookie?" Pam wondered.

"His username is billcompton," I told her. Eric snorted.

Bill spoke up again. "All right, he should be banned in a sec… let me…" – and with that, we were booted from the server.

Pam cackled, did a bit of clicking at the keyboard, and we were back in business seconds later.

"Duke's back," somebody observed unhappily.

"_Blow it out your ass_," said Duke with another keystroke.

"You don't know what you're doing, hacker," Bill threatened. "I will find you. Clancy, if this is you, so help me God…"

"_Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls_…"

"Enough with the balls, Pam!" I admonished.

"… _balls of steel_."

"I will pull out each of your fingernails slowly," Bill vowed. "You do not fuck with a vampire who's been stockpiling DKP for the Wyrmrest Necklace of Power. You have no idea who you're deal-

"_steel. Steel. Steel_."

"-ing with. I survived the Civil War, interloper. Do you think I won't hunt you down like the dog you are? Do you think I won't make you pay for your transgressions this night?"

"Bill, dude," another gamer broke in, trying to mollify my usually-composed beau. "Calm down, man. Yeah, it sucks that he ruined our raid, but it is actually kind of funny, you know?"

Bill wasn't having it. "I'm going to ban you again, Duke Nukem."

"_It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum_…"

"And after I do, you had better watch your back. I have unlimited time and resources. Can you say the same?"

"…_and I'm all out of gum_."

Eric was cracking himself up, and several of Bill's guild mates had even started laughing by this time, but I was kind of glad I was nowhere near Bon Temps at the moment. As we got shut out of Bill's Vent server yet again, I looked between Pam and Eric, who had obviously enjoyed themselves more than is decent. Pam spoke first.

"So, then," she said with a satisfied smirk, "that went extremely well!"

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

_When last we signed on to level this fic, Eric and Pam posed as Duke Nukem and hacked into Bill's Ventrilo server, supposedly to "assess Bill's online interaction" and gain insight into his "gaming persona." Were they just tormenting the brooding and WoW-addicted vamp, or did they have a master plan? _

_As a reminder, the events of this fic take place between Books 2 and 3, so some characters who show up here wouldn't yet be known to Sookie. However, because pretending that the period between Books 2 and 3 occurs in the present day means Eric can have a nicer computer, we're in 2009. _

_Special thanks to Mairemor and her sons for coming up with the name I ended up using for Eric and Pam's guild and to DK and FDM for their feedback on this chapter! Happy birthday, DK! _

*************

"What do you mean, 'that went well,' Pam? Bill was about to blow a gasket! If he were human, I would have wanted to check his blood pressure."

"Sookie, we learned a great deal by listening in on Bill's guild," Pam huffed.

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

"Bill's gone bonkers," she responded. "Plus, you say he isn't even feeding from you, or having sex with you at the moment?"

Fan-friggin-tastic. I had come to Fangtasia for help with my boyfriend situation, and now, not only had we pissed off Bill, but it looked like I was in for a Dr. Ruth moment with Pam. I did have to admit that the thought of a pleasantly-wizened Pam with big hair and thick glasses, holding a dildo and offering sage advice on how to get my groove back, was actually a little amusing. Still, I wasn't about to engage in slumber party girl talk with her—especially not in front of Eric.

"Can we stay constructive, here?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"It's actually an important question," Eric interjected. "What has he been feeding on in recent months?"

"He usually just runs to Wal-Mart and picks up whatever they have: True Blood, or Red Stuff if they're out of True Blood."

Eric visibly shuddered at the mention of Red Stuff. "I've heard of humans developing similarly poor eating habits when they are addicted to gaming—something about Hot Pockets, Mountain Dew, and nachos from 7-11."

It was my turn to be disgusted. I'd seen Jason eat those nachos from 7-11 before, and he never listened to reason when I pointed out that they looked and smelled unspeakably vile. The chips were like cardboard, the cheese was only vaguely cheese-like, and the optional "chili"? Well, perhaps it was just Gran's culinary influence, but I held a profound conviction that no good could ever come of eating ground beef dispensed from a pump. I shook my head and brought myself back into the moment. "So you're saying Bill basically has the vampire equivalent of a junk food hang-up?"

"Yes. Sookie, you must understand. Even when your blood was tainted by the maenad's poison, it was clear that you are… a treat." Pam nodded, clearly agreeing with him, and Eric continued. "No amount of mainstreaming can take away the fact that when you have a delectable feast available and choose instead to subsist on synthetic abominations, something is very, very wrong."

"Such a waste," Pam said wistfully, brushing her fingers lightly over my neck.

I tried to get the productive part of the conversation going before Pam could continue with that train of thought. "Well, then… what's the plan?"

"The plan, Sookie, is for you to start your own WoW character," Eric announced. "As you might know from seeing Bill play, there are two warring factions in WoW: the horde and the alliance. Within those factions, each player chooses a race and class combination. The race affects your character's appearance, as well as a few of your abilities. Your class basically defines your role in the game and your style of play.

"Bill isn't aware that a number of the Louisiana vamps, and even a few of the shifters and Weres, all have a horde guild on the same server where Bill is currently playing on the alliance side. If Bill won't pay attention to you in person, you can always confront him in the medium where he's spending most of his time these days. We'll start you off tonight, and then you can level up at your leisure. We'll invite you to our guild and give you a pair of headphones. That way, you can access our Vent server so you'll be able to talk to us without typing, like Bill's guild mates were doing when Duke Nukem interrupted their raid. It will help you learn how to play more effectively."

"And then you'll pwn Compton!" Pam exclaimed. I looked at her blankly. "Beat him down. Make him cry for his nineteenth-century momma. Make him fear and respect you," she explained.

Noticing the skeptical expression on my face, she added, "Honestly, Sookie, we'll have you melting faces in no time. For better or for worse, Bill currently values in-game skills. If you show him that you're a force to be reckoned with in game, he might be reminded that you're a force to be reckoned with outside of the game, as well."

While I had to guess that Pam's grasp of vampire psychology was more thorough than mine, there was still one major problem: I didn't have a computer. When I told Eric and Pam as much, they had already anticipated the problem and come up with a solution.

"You can use this laptop," Eric said, sliding it across his desk. "It already has the game loaded, so you won't have to spend the next sixteen hours wrangling disks and downloading the last 12,000 update patches."

"I can't just take a computer from you," I objected. "That wouldn't be right."

"It's not a problem, Sookie, I assure you. I've switched to a new system for use while I'm here in the office. It's an Alienware desktop with an overclocked Intel Core i7 975 Extreme processor, two 1.8-gigabyte NVIDIA GeForce video cards, and 24 gigabytes of Triple Channel DDR3 memory at 1333 megahertz."

I stared at Eric for a long moment. "Was that English? I have no idea what any of that means." Eric's computer looked like something off the _X-Files_ set, and the lingo he had just used to describe it was as impenetrable as the later seasons' plot lines.

Pam decided to help me out. "It means, Sookie, that the computer he's letting you use is fine, but his is better."

And with that, I soon found myself picking a race: I'd be undead, which, as far as I could tell, meant mostly that I'd look like a zombie. I then picked a class: priest, since Pam told me I could "go shadow" and choose abilities like "Vampiric Embrace." I wondered if there was also a spell called "Artery Breach," but I managed to corral that thought in my head before it moseyed on past my lips.

The two Fangtasia owners let me know that we'd be on a player versus player, or "PvP" server, which would allow horde and alliance members to beat each other up whenever they happened to be in the same place. Playing on a PvP server was thus more hardcore than playing on a server where players don't build the fortitude and keen instincts that inevitably result from free-for-all brawling and wholesale slaughter.

After making a few final changes to my character's appearance—Pam made me amp up the boob factor, claiming I'd have a hell of a rack even as a fake zombie—I started questing with "MightySmitey," my new undead shadow priest. I had rolled my first hordie.

*************

At first, I didn't really get what the big deal about WoW was. Basically, it seemed like I had been conscripted as an errand girl for a bunch of really demanding screenie guys.

"They're called NPCs, Sookie—non-player characters," said Pam.

"Whatever," I told her. _'Screenie guys' has the same number of syllables._ "All I know is they've got me collecting a zillion armbands from these scarlet jerks and delivering secret messages to people standing like 50 feet away. They really need a courier for that?"

It took me a while, but I caught on: I played with new spells as I leveled, checked out the Undercity, hopped on a big balloon that took me to another city called Orgrimmar, and got hooked up with some storage bags, gold, and gear from Eric, Pam, and other members of my new guild, Bloodsports. I was grateful for the help, and I went back to Bon Temps with my borrowed computer in tow.

I made steady progress with MightySmitey over the following week. Eric helped me through a couple of tough instances—he invited Chow, but the former Yakuza member said he wasn't signing on to baby-sit lowbies—and soon I found myself questing in an area called Duskwood. It was then that I had my first real experience with what it meant to be playing on a PvP server.

The zone's on-screen chat channel had been full of the usual mindless banter among players, but then it exploded: "PELT ALERT. TAKING OUT LOWBIES ON THE ROAD TO THE CEMETERY." "She's here again?" "God damn it. Switching toons."

_Seems like an awful lot of fuss_, I thought to myself—and then I saw her. Unfortunately, it was a little late, because she was a human rogue, and she didn't come out of stealth until she was stabbing me repeatedly in the back with her little pixelated daggers.

I died in about two seconds. I figured it was no matter; after all, it wasn't the first time I had died in-game. Then she followed me to the graveyard and killed me three times in a row after I resurrected.

"Who _is_ this bitch?" I asked in Vent.

"What bitch, Sookie?"

"Her name is StealthyPelty. I keep trying to rez, but she's killing me over and over again. It looks like she's unguilded."

"I'll take care of it," Eric said simply. "Just stay dead for a bit, but rez every once in a while so she doesn't lose interest. The person playing that rogue is Debbie Pelt. She's a shifter, and she's the best-known ganker on the server. She harasses lowbies constantly."

"She's really good," I observed unhappily.

"She's really not," Pam said. "If she were any good, she'd take on people her own level. Instead, she hangs out in places like Duskwood, because people 45 levels below her don't present much of a challenge. Wait until Eric gets there. You'll see."

By that time, Eric had invited me to a group, and I saw him headed my way with his Death Knight, "Thorcue."

He kicked her butt, completely and utterly. The fight lasted a little longer than it had when she was killing me, but not by all that much, though Eric did mutter something about how Cloak of Shadows was bullshit, and he couldn't believe Blizz just let every rogue train that spell.

"Eric," Pam chided, "really. It's been two years since they made that change in game. I'd think you'd be used to it by now."

"I am. I'm used to it being bullshit."

The ganker known as StealthyPelty had now changed strategies. Instead of engaging Eric directly, she was just trying to get me over and over again, hoping she could kill me before Eric killed her. I was trying to foil her plot by adopting the advanced gaming strategy of running around like a chicken with my head cut off until she stunned me. The stun would leave me immobile, but it also left her wide open for Northman-style ass-whoopings.

"Alcide has joined the channel," said the mechanical guy on Vent who announces comings and goings.

"Hello, Alcide," said Eric.

"Hello, Eric, Pam... and Smitey," the new guy returned, obviously reading my name off the list of people in channel. "Look, I'm at Debbie's right now, and it seems she's giving somebody's alt a hard time. I'm really sorry. I'm trying to get her to stop, but she's on her fourth double bourbon, and it's a little hard to get through to her."

"That's not an alt, Alcide," Pam broke in. "That's Sookie, and Smitey is her main. Eric has taken a special interest in helping her level up."

"Oh, _shit_," I heard over my headset, and then, in a barely-muffled tone, "Jesus, Debbie, would you knock it off? You're hassling Eric Northman's girlfriend. Are you trying to get yourself killed, like in real life?"

"He's not my boyfriend," I objected, which was immediately followed up by Eric saying "close enough" and Pam pointing out that Alcide "might want to start using a push-to-talk key, champ," because we really didn't need to be party to his domestic disputes.

Our new visitor, deciding to ignore both of us women, addressed Eric directly. "Eric, I apologize on Debbie's behalf. She's leaving now," and indeed she was. I saw her skulk away reluctantly, if you can read things like reluctance into the body language of a cartoon. "I'll offer the usual compensation?"

"That will be fine, Alcide." And then, Debbie Pelt's boyfriend left the server.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"Debbie committed an in-game blood offense against one of our guild members," the sheriff explained. "Blood offenses, even in World of Warcraft, require compensation from the offending player or one of their representatives, if the player is a supe who is known to us. Alcide can hardly keep up with all the gold farming he needs to do to cover Debbie's abuses."

Huh. I guess they took this code of honor thing a little seriously in our corner of Louisiana.

In any case, it was time for me to log out and head to bed, so I thanked Eric for his help with the ganking ho and started to say good night, but Eric had a question.

"Will you come to Fangtasia again soon so I can help you in person? There are many things I would love to show you, Sookie."

Eric had a way of rendering even simple acts of speech as borderline pornography, and since I hadn't enjoyed Bill's attentions for a good three months, my libido was wound tighter than a new girdle. My voice stuck in my throat like hair in a biscuit, but I managed to croak out an agreement to come to Fangtasia on Thursday, my next night off. I wondered how this next visit was going to go. I wondered how many levels I could put behind my priest between now and then.

And I wondered what the hell Eric meant by "close enough" when I said on Vent that I wasn't his girlfriend. Guess I'd have to wait until Thursday to find out.

TBC


End file.
